This might be the reason..

#currentlife

a couple of weeks ago, a good friend of mine asked me this question when we were having a deep heart-to-heart conversation;

"Cu I was wondering, how could you be so different? I meant how could you finally decided wearing those big-hijab and socks and skirt--syar'i to sum up"

And I was like... I answered her question with a simple sentences that came up fast in my mind:
"I just don't know, I feel safer with this, I want Allah to love me more, I want to be much closer with Him" that's all.
But inside my head, this is the complete answer for that question:

I want Allah to love me, I don't care what people think about my fashion style any longer (like, what is the advantage for me if they like my style? nothing, compare if Allah loves me).

I feel like I was 'hurting' Allah so many times, many, many times. I was very tired creating sins, mistakes, everything. I was very tired with my jahiliyah times, I don't wanna live there anymore.

You know, i've been 'hurting' Allah since 8 years ago; my bad behaviour, my relationships with some ex-es, my tight clothes (even already covered with hijab), and many more. But yes, instead of Allah angry with me, Allah kept loving me. Allah gave me healty life, lovely parents and family, good college life, good company to work, everything. How could I not want to love Allah back?

Trust me, if you are now in a luvey wuvey relationship with your boyfriend, I've been at your position for 8 years, and I knew, that was a wrong choice i've ever made. You just haven't realize it yet. Perhaps i was the first, and i'd like to tell you this;

It really is doesn't matter if someone/everyone loves you but Allah hates you.

What can they give to you?

love? nothing's much clearer than the love given by Allah..

Allah is the one who own everyone's soul, heart, brain, feeling. Allah is the one who can control all of them.

But why do you want to be loved by His creator instead of The Creator itself?

All I'm trying to do right now is.....
I'm trying so hard to be loved by my Creator, to make Him love me more, because I believe once He love me, everything's will be fine in the end, both now and life after. Plus, I want to reunite with my parents again in heaven, someday. They are all healthy now, safe and sound. But I know, everything belongs to Him will go back to Him, so now I'm preparing my self if someday my parents left me to Jannah, I will be very happy to meet them again there, because of what? because Allah (is on the way) to love me more and will grant all of my wishes, Aminn Allahumma Amin.

That is why, I am becoming a new me, right now :)

Ps: I am still learning, I'm very far from a definition of perfect, so please remind me if i did something wrong, please remind me to keep istiqomah all the time.. please.

***KC